


you can ask

by VesperNexus



Category: The Spy Who Came in from the Cold - John Le Carré
Genre: Angst, Friendship, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Talking, Well one hill but still, hills - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-15 21:59:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11240091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VesperNexus/pseuds/VesperNexus
Summary: Fielder huffed a quiet laugh, and it was pleasing to Alec’s ears. “You want to know about me?”*Leamas learns some unexpected things about his companion.





	you can ask

**Author's Note:**

> literally the first thing i ever wrote for this fandom. it has been withering away on my desktop for about 5 million years
> 
> not sure how i feel about it  
> will fix...  
> eventually.
> 
> too OOC btw pls note do not judge

They sat beside one another, the grassy hill adorned in a cool breeze. Leamas breathed in the crisp air, the trees far below stretching beyond the eye-can-see, a tumultuous mosaic of distant greens. The horizon was a deep blue, the sun sinking between the folds of clouds. He felt Fiedler’s shoulder brush against his. Turning his head almost unconsciously, he watched the younger man gaze into the far beyond, lost in thought for the first time since Alec had met him.

His dark hair moved in the breeze, a loose lock curling against one sharp cheekbone. Alec noticed the bend of his fingers, the flat of his palms against the grass behind him. There was a calmness about him, a peculiar serenity Alec was unaccustomed to, a good kind of stillness. This wasn’t the man he was used to; that man was all cheer and vigour and dangerous curiosity. It wasn’t the Fiedler that played communism gracefully like a pianist would a grand piano, who handled philosophy like it was an extension of his arm, a part of him. This was another layer entirely. This wasn’t someone he’d yet met.

Fielder tilted his chin, noticing Alec’s gaze. His lips quirked upwards ever so slightly.  “You can ask, you know.” There was a well-played amusement in his voice, but it was buried in the folds of comfort, familiarity. Friendship.

Leamas pursed his lips. This was his chance to pry open the book of secrets the East German Agent held so closely to his chest, to peak at the Communist poker-game and discern the cards in Fiedler’s hand. And yet,

“There’s nothing on your file.”

Fielder raised one immaculate eyebrow, his piercing brown eyes fixated on Leamas. “It has your photograph,” Leamas shrugged, ‘your position, your stay in Canada, but that’s it. Nothing else. No intel.”

Fielder huffed a quiet laugh, and it was pleasing to Alec’s ears. “You want to know about me?” Surprise.

Alec shrugged again, his shoulders moving of their own accord. “You seem to know everything about me. You have all the intel.” Fiedler smiled a quiet smile. “Besides,” he continued, “seems we’re going to be spending an awful lot of time together- no reason not to get to know one another”. Alec’s lips twitched into an almost-smile, something he didn’t do often anymore. He knew Fielder could write him a list on why this was unreasonable.

“Seems to me I already know you, Leamas.” A pause. The other man diverted his gaze for a moment, as if doing something not for the marvellous cause of Communism was so beyond him. “Alright. Ask away.”

Leamas shifted. “When did you join the service? How old were you?” It seemed so strange a question, so insignificant, so pressing.

Fielder held his gaze. “I was seventeen.”

Alec couldn’t hide his surprise. He’d never heard of such a thing. “Seventeen?”

The other man nodded, turning to look distantly into the horizon as it ate into the mosaic sky. “It was never my intention, after my parents…” He trailed off. Alec looked apologetic. “I incidentally did the service a favour.” His tone turned softer, almost lost. “They gave me an out.”

“A favour?” Alec echoed under his breath. “An out from what?”

Jens deliberately avoided his gaze this time. There was a pregnant pause, as if he was deliberating whether to tell Alec or not. How much to tell him. Alec waited, an indelible curiosity festering between his ribs. Something felt terrible.

“You have to realise-” justification, “at that time I had my two sisters to take care of.” Something shrank inside Leamas, _at that time._ No longer. “My parents weren’t with us. There wasn’t much I could do for the kind of money we needed. Not much to… sell.” A coldness unfurled itself within Alec’s chest. Jens glanced at him quickly enough to catch it- the _shame_.

“You sold yourself.” It came out more accusatory that Leamas intended. Something changed in Jens’ posture, there was a sudden tension in his shoulders. Alec wanted to fix it, he did, but the words wouldn’t come. _Prostitution._

“Like I said,” there was a cold, dangerous edge to those words and Alec mentally kicked himself, “there wasn’t much else I could do.”

“I’m sorry,” Alec said suddenly. Jens turned back to him, still guarded. “I didn’t mean to insinuate anything. No one should have to go through that.” The tension rolled away slowly, after a drawn-out moment, and Jens smiled tiredly.

“I know. It’s difficult when everything is so often an attack.” Alec had no words.

“What was the favour?”

Jens took a deep breath. The pause seemed to go on forever and Alec wondered if perhaps he’d pushed too far, when a sudden realisation struck him- there was no reason for his companion to be telling him any of this, no reason for _him_ to be asking. And yet.

“There was one client, a man, about fifty at the time.” Alec tensed, “He came every once in a while. He was… strange.” Jens was lost in thought, trapped in blurred moment of remarkable clarity. “He had different tastes.” Alec held his breath. “He was violent. Brutal- really,” he spoke of such a topic in a factual tone. It made Alec’s head spin, “but he paid well. He paid in twelve different currencies once.”

Alec’s head snapped up. “He was a spy.”

Jens nodded. “Believe it or not, that wasn’t what gave it away.” Alec forced the trepidation in him to quieten, “He always came at night. He was always so angry. Disillusioned, even. We never went to the same place twice. At first I assumed he was married, but he exuded a spectacular level of paranoia, far beyond that of any married man.” Another pause. A cool breeze drifted past, but Leamas was sure that wasn’t the source of the shiver curled at the base of his spine. “He came to me one night, but we didn’t go to a hotel. We didn’t even get in the car…” he trailed off, and Leamas wanted to beg him to stop, to plead with him. He didn’t want to hear this. But he needed to. “He took me to a secluded ally, not far from where we would meet. He was different that night.”

“Different?” Alec asked slowly, as if afraid.

Jens nodded, almost absentmindedly. “He wasn’t just angry. He was… frightening. Intense.”

Jens pulled his knees up, sighing quietly. Alec tried not to think about how young he looked in that moment. “I waited for him the entire night and he didn’t have any money on him when he came. I was going to leave, find other clients. It wasn’t too late…”

“Jens…” his companion doesn’t notice.

“That night he took me to a secluded ally and held a knife to my throat.” Alec felt something sour crawl up his throat to rest on his tongue. He felt sick. Jens absentmindedly touched two fingers to a fine, almost unnoticeable thin white line across his throat. _God._ “I ended up with three fractured ribs and a broken wrist. He slit my throat with such precision all he had to do was keep his fingers hard under my jaw until he finished. I couldn’t walk for days afterwards.”

“God…” Alec didn’t want to know anymore, he _didn’t_.

“I woke up in the hospital two days later.” Alec swallowed the bile down. “I was frightened. I couldn’t pay. My sisters…” Jens shook his head. “I would later find out my bills were covered. Not just at the hospital, at home. There was food in the kitchen, heat in the bedrooms.”

“The Zone.”

Jens nodded. “A compensation, of sorts.”

The whole ghastly trick became obvious. Alec’s knuckles whitened. “They used you as bait. They let him-”

Jens shook his head, “That wasn’t the favour.” Another pause.

“When I got home you would not believe who I found in the living room.” Alec licked his lips. “Mundt.”

“Mundt?” There was an urgency in Alec’s voice. Jens nodded.

“He gave me a pistol. Unregistered, of course. He left, the bills paid, the girls fed.” Jens turned to face Alec, the depth of his eyes dizzying. “It was obvious what he wanted in return.”

“They set it up so you could kill him.” Alec swallowed. “They gave him the means to brutalise you and then gave you a gun to kill him. Two birds with one stone. They gain a soldier and lose an enemy…”

Jens nodded, slowly. “So I did.”

Alec breathed a shuddering breath. “So you did.”

The pause seemed to stretch between them for days. The was a sour taste at the back of Alec’s throat, a bitterness on his tongue. “I’m sorry.” He had never felt so inadequate.

Jens turned his head slightly, eyes bright but voice tired, “Like I said, it was a long time ago.”

The sun began to fade, sinking between white clouds, showering them in golden rays. “We should leave. It will be dark soon.”

Alec nodded. It would be dark soon.

They walked in silence.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel very neutral to this but it counts as my contribution to society so


End file.
